Fancy reading another one of my rants? well read on my friend!

Now I don't know why I even care at all about this but...

Katie Price and Katie Hopkins... I know, I know. Who gives a shit right? Normally I don't. But on this occasion I felt that I wanted to voice my opinion. Firstly any parent that has a child with a disability or condition in the UK is entitled to FREE NHS health care. They do NOT discriminate according to class, wealth, colour, age or gender so that little boy has a right to NHS funded care as the rest of us do. It's just like me saying oh I have 12,000 saved up away somewhere, so therefore I have to pay for any surgery I have.
 Since when did we become so selfish as a nation? Life will always be unfair. Yes the rich are rich and the poor are poor. I will spend my entire life 'just getting by' that will never change I'm afraid. She has earned her money and has paid her taxes in full.
She pays the same percentage of her earnings if not more than the rest of us do so she is EQUALLY as entitled as we are.
I can't stand either woman to be honest but Harvey is an innocent child that people have chosen to direct their rage towards. I'm so glad the NHS are not as prejudice and discriminative otherwise I may have not made the cut.
It's not even 100 % about that. It's the amount of judgements people pass. You make your opinion on something like this and guaranteed some bigot will come along and try to prove your point invalid. I agree that she could probably afford it her self but if anyone would pay for something they could have for free then you have the right to judge not before. I could probably stretch to paying for prescriptions but I have a maternity exemption card so I don't... SHAME ON ME BURN ME AT THE STAKE!
Get off your horses put your keyboards down and get a life.
I recently deleted someone off of here for being highly racist and posting things like Keep Britain for the brits blah blah blah... that talk is what leads to genesidal ideas. Thank god none of us have had to seek Asylum eh? We are given a fair trial with a Jury here. You are so FU***** lucky to be in this country. Where you can receive free health care and you can get given money if you can't support your family. Feeling a bit low? All good we got people for that! Not all countries do so I think we can suck it up, because we are known for compassion. Yes okay there are arse holes in every country I'm afraid. The same with extremists, some people are trying to alienate our culture, most are just happy to be here. Yes okay we open our arms too wide and feel the pull in financial crisis. But we bounce back every time, that's what makes our nation great. Being born somewhere does not give you ownership rights of a country.  Respecting your home does. We are culturally diverse. Think of all the every day things we have. Your local Chinese,  Italian, Indian, thai, American, Mexican restaurants... need I go on? Most of your merchandise is made in China or Japan. So take that all away and we would be what? Just oh let's have fish n chips again? Oh wait we ate it all because we don't import?

Now shut up the lot of you and learn to love please. Sick of seeing this shit every where. MAKE BRITAIN COMPASSIONATE AGAIN! Think twice before you remark.

Here's another one of my random thoughts late evening.. Please don't give up half way through there's a meaning to it all!

Love comes in many shapes and sizes.

.The love of a child
.The love of family. Close or distant.
.The love of friends
.The love of an object eg. Phone or keepsake.
.The love of money.

Then the love that you choose or not choose but find.
Now I will do my best to not write this mushy but it is my feelings remember so try not to puke!

Now... I met Ciaran 3 years ago at work. I was a breakfast waitress and he worked on the bar at the time. He was well known for his Saturday morning hangover and I always found him sat on the floor of the bar with his head in his lap. I liked him from day one. (I don't think he noticed me at first). Being 17 I was terrible at flirting. I can't remember how it started, I think it was a Facebook status. I put something about being at work at 6 am sucked and he commented saying I don't do any work anyway. The funny thing was my colleague Dawn told me not to put kisses but I felt mean!
I think Ciaran was in that morning doing the line cleaning for the bar and he was having a nap before his shift in the staff room. I can remember I was putting the breakfast stock away and he locked me in the freezer for a good 2 minutes! I know hard at work right?? Later that day he tickled me to the floor. So much better at flirting than I was! I used to just giggle like a school girl!
Then we would talk on Facebook chat all day every day. Essays! You know the kind, ones you have to read back on just to reply to each point!! We were so alike but yet we were different too! His music taste is all R & B yet I'm into pretty much any genre (except screamo you can keep that shit lol) We were  both a family of 3 kids and both middle children. He was devoted to his friends, so was I!
I knew though, all along. I was going to marry this man. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I'd just got out the bath, put on my pj's and was about to get into bed and we were talking about something trivial. Think I said something along the lines of I look like crap today and he just said 'The girl I love could never look like crap in my eyes'. (Like a fairytale isn't it!)
Our first date... This was unreal! We were both so nervous, he had been drinking all day with his friend Ricky Martin and I had probably asked my Drama class friends about 300 times if I looked okay! When I walked in we looked at each other and smiled, my heart was racing I was probably visibly sweating! So attractive. I sat down next to him, he could see how nervous I was. Then he said the words 'fuck it' and his lips met mine. We never looked back. We talked all night about each other,  our families, our silly things we did when we were younger. It was bliss. Then he put his coat around me, walked me to the bus and kissed me goodbye! I think I listened to Ed Sheeran ' s Lego house the whole way home smiling!

From there we were inseparable! Never stopped talking. It was difficult at first because he couldn't drive and neither could I.  He lived in Teweksbury and I lived in Cheltenham.  I was still at college and he worked full time on the bar. I used to go down and distract him from  his work. 😀

The day my family fell in love with him was my Great grandads funeral (that sounds really odd I know). We were all gathered at my Grans house. All very sad and he hadn't met anyone! He came in and offered to make everyone a cup of tea and asked them to tell him all about my Grandad! They spoke about such happy memories and it cheered us all up! My Gran loved him. He came with me that day as I wanted to read a poem for my Grandad. He wouldn't take his eyes off me and he sat with my mum in the second row. He hadn't met her either! He smiled and told me to breathe when I choked up. I remember thinking that was so brave of him. Meeting my entire family in one day!! Though it wasn't too bad. He knew my Aunty Kate as he worked with her and he Knew Aunty Helen too, she worked with Ciaran's mum. Small world eh?

Meeting his mum was probably the single most scary thing I have ever done. Wouldn't think it now we are two peas in a pod. I remember walking round the corner with thoughts of a scary Irish lady who punched her son in the nose for being chopsy at 18! But when I walked in through that door she threw her arms around me, so did his brother Conar and sister Megan and they made fajitas for tea. All the while his mum was encouraging me to have another one! Typical Irish Mammy! Still is. I loved her to pieces then and there! We had such a brilliant evening and then I went round every Monday!

So that was the beginning. He was always so romantic (still is). Every month on the 14th we would go for dinner, usually at Frankie and Bennies.
He would have flowers sent to me with love notes. He would show me off to all of his friends.
The best part was whenever we went out he was so protective of me. Not in a creepy jealous way either. We wouldn't get plastered but merry enough that we would just look into each others eyes, smile and dance the night away!
Not a day went by that he didn't say I was beautiful or that he loved me. He always makes me feel like I can conquer anything.
I guess that's why I'm writing this really. He may seem like one of a kind to you ladies... But they are everywhere. Why settle? My best advice I can give is if he doesn't make you feel like you are the centre of his universe why would you want to stay? Ciaran is my complete other half of me. If you are being picked on daily or beaten or feel like they don't show any interest in you? Do not settle for it! You just remember that there is someone like this for everyone. Even if you don't like this, If you like to banter and call each other ugly as a compliment. You will know that you are half of a whole. You do just know. When you look at them and you could cry because they just fill you up with so much warmth and love. I still do it now! Don't accept any less because you deserve to be the universe and that person deserves to have you!! Life's too short to stick around for that anyway!
Everyone always said the honeymoon  period will end. After a year you will be fed up with each other.  Actually it's not like that at all. We still are just as loved up and every single hurdle that has been thrown at us (believe me there are plenty) it has only made us stronger!
Aside from our own family dramas on both sides we had our own. When we moved in together I fell pregnant very very quickly, that was a big shock but we had discussed it before (I recommend having this conversation  as soon as possible. I always said I couldn't take a life because I had chosen to have sex and I knew the consequences. Though we were very careful, my health deteriorated due to being on contraception and though we were still safe we got caught out!).
When we had finally accepted we would be becoming parents we unfortunately miscarried. It his us very hard. We both were distraught for days. We lived with his mum because we wouldn't have coped on our own in our little flat. He helped me through the physical and emotional pain. Holding my hand. Talking it through, getting me outside and not cooped up, spoiled me with gifts and chocolate and just dragged me from the dirt to be honest and I think I helped him too. We supported each other. Like a see saw, we both would fall down a little and the other would pick us right back up! A lot of help Came from Mammy as well mind.
I couldn't see any more happiness. I just thought I would always get shit on my entire life. Like I wasn't allowed to be happy. But then I reminded my self I had Ciaran. He was my happiness. He was the one keeping me going!
Luckily next month we fell pregnant again !! It was scary though, those first twelve weeks you are almost checking every day! I felt bad because the day I found out was oddly because I was in a lot of pain. I panicked that it was something serious so I did a test to rule it out! Then boom PREGNANT 1-2. I rang Ciaran screaming.  I thought it was an ectopic pregnancy or something as I was in so much pain. He was at work and he was so worried.  It took the shine off the news! Then Gran took me to a and e and they told me I wasn't! ! I said the test doesn't lie and it's the digital clear blue. They said do another one in 3 days. So I did about 3 a day for 3 days. All positive each day the line got stronger and Ciaran and I got happier and happier! Nothing came of that pain mind!
Everything was amazing until we found out about our little boy having a heart condition. (Another blog). I went numb to be honest. We had to wait 1 day to be certain there was something wrong and in that time you grasp at straws. Ciaran couldn't understand, why him? Why Archie? Why does God hate us. He fell apart and that was so hard for me to watch. I just processed and went quiet but I helped Ciaran through it. I told him not to think the worst. It may be a blip yet! I cradled his head in my hands and gazed into his eyes. "We will get through this". He just wept and wept. He didn't think he could. The next day we went to see a fetal specialist in Gloucester. She told us there was a serious issue with his heart and Ciaran and I both fell apart then. We had been told to keep hope. The specialists in Bristol are amazing. We were given all the guidence  possible but it was killing us both. Our bond with this baby was so strong and we couldn't cope with the thought of him being poorly. It's destroyed us for 2 days straight. When we went to Bristol things became a little more positive. There was solutions. Don't need to go into much detail as it's on another blog but we were told there was an 80% chance he would live. Now as much as you stay positive. That 20% rings in your ears and it was hurting Ciaran and I so badly. How do you handle that?! Our child's life was out of our hands. Ciaran remained angry at the world though he was more reserved now he understood what was happening. I however hit the books looking for some reason, some explanation as to why, yet again I had had my happiness ripped away from me.
As things settled and the appointments became more positive we Continued to become stronger. Working with each other to lift our spirits. Look at the positives. We have each other and we have the strength when we are together. We are much stronger together.

When I gave birth he was perfect. He knew exactly what I needed. I gazed into his eyes when it hurt and he didn't say anything, just breathed with me. I told him I loved him and that he was my soul mate with every contraction. He gave me fluids, he helped me try and hand express my milk, he held my hand and just kept so strong for me. He held a leg and pushed when I pushed and he was just what I needed at a time like that. Any on lookers said we had such chemistry and we're made for each other. I Truely believe that.

Being in Hospital was hard. For 3 weeks our tempers ran short we were exhausted but yet we were still there for each other we never seperated our hands. We stayed strong for each other and Archie. One of us would wobble and maybe cry a little but the other would lift us out of it.

Now ask anyone who knew me say 4 years ago. I was a pain in the ass. Yes I'd been through a lot but I always wanted attention. Big drama queen. Everything was a crisis. Over emotional and just generally annoying. I don't know how he fell for me to be honest. But with him I don't need to feel or be that way. He loves me regardless he makes me want to be strong and a fighter. I'm not a hard nut nor am I able to hide my emotions but I am now strong. But only with him. You may feel that's weak because I can't do it for me? But it's not. We are put on this earth to find a mate. Have children grow old and die. It is the one thing that is innate in our beings. So why shouldn't we be strong for them and not for ourselves? He gives me the courage to stand up for myself. To not need to please people all the time. He makes me who I am and I love who I am now (think a lot of people prefer it tbh). I love who he has helped me to become. I'm not afraid any more, he's by my side every day. Loving me for who I am. Defending me and supporting me in every way I could ever imagine. I know what people think. It may not last. She's delusional. But all of what we have been through and no we are not perfect. We argue. Especially when exhaustion kicks in with a certain tiny person. But I want/ need him to know that I will always love him unconditionally and whole heartedly. Because not only do I worship him but I love myself because of him.
I want you all to feel that way about someone. Don't be lonely when your single. Don't settle for someone who won't bring you up to like you and Don't ever, ever let yourself become ungrateful for someone who does make you feel that way because you must make them your universe.
Anyway that's my key to happiness and as I say in all my blogs this is another opinion. No circumstances are the same but you can find this guys it's out there waiting for you I Truely believe that! Happy hunting !!!

Archie's journey. may be a long one guys so grab a brew! 🍵

So here we are. Those of you who haven't read previous blogs, long story short...

Having a little boy with a Special Heart. He needs a bit of TLC and all will be okay. (You will find out more I am sure of it!)
It's been a long nine months until today. Today has gone by fast.
So had a few bouts last week where little man had chilled right out. He was fine but as routine they book you for a growth scan!
Now about 3 days ago I started getting mild contractions. Pretty sure I was going into labour so I contacted the midwife. She said I was in the early stages.
So we waited. Waited for things to change or get worse or my waters to break. Nothing.
Today at 2:45 we went for a scan. They told us that there was no fluid around baby. Meaning my waters either have gone or something isn't quite right.
So after an hour of Cheltenham general doing the ring around at Bristol we were told to come straight down and we would most likely be induced.
After a swift cup of tea we left.
Got here around Seven. Was reviewed  (nice way of saying internal).
told I was going into labour but they wanted to induce me and get the ball rolling.
So here we are so far...

2.25 am 2 hrs into induction.

 So here's where I get some shut eye before the pain starts. 

Yeah so that sleep thing I was going to do... Didn't happen. I was very uncomfortable and if your organised to be a parent and it's out of your hands. You tend to let your mind whirl. But it's stupid shit like... did I remember to sort out that bill? Have I got enough washing powder as I won't have time to get some when he's here. Not much to do about it now lol. 

I also keep thinking about how I feel when he's here. Like I always imagined it would be the best feeling in the world and everyone tells you it will be. But what if he doesn't recognise me as his mummy? What if he doesn't like me and cry's when I go near him.  

I bet this is normal as hell lol. I do hope we get to meet him today but not getting too over excited as he will come when he's ready. 

So here we are... 7.35 am still waiting. 

Okay so it's now 4.40 in the afternoon. Feeling a bit like we have backtracked a little. I started to contract a lot like a minute apart.

So they checked me out and it turns out my body was contracting too much for my body to keep up with. So now they have taken out the thingy that induces my labour and are hoping my body will do it on its own... I've gone from full blown labour pains back to horrible back ache. 😡

the good news is that my cervix is thinning so hopefully I will start to dilate now :).

when she told me I started crying. I felt like such a woos. But apparently I've done better than expected as I won't feel any more pain than I have already felt and I've had 0 pain relief! Well done to me! How great would it be if I did this with just gas and air! 

So let's see how things go for now!! 

Okay guys. Was doing this step by step but things got a little busy! 

So from here the pessary was in until 5.30 am. Nothing was happening so they took it out and monitored me. Now I had fallen asleep at this point so I wasn't watching the monitor.  Archie's Heart rate was decelerating by quite a bit so the midwives felt it was time to go down to delivery suite where I could me much more closely monitored. This all happened at about half 8-9 o'clock ish in the morning.

Tell you what is a bit of a shock... getting woken up by a Dr saying they are just going to have a little look! I was so disorientated that it was rather painfull! That and Archie's head was actually so low they had to go round it to find out how dilated I was!

 

We arrive on the labour ward and get ourselves settled, Gran and Mammy arrive to keep us cool, calm and collected lol.

Since they have done the internal I've started to get contractions! They're not too bad at the moment though... we shall see.

 

From the looks of things Archie isn't a fan of the contractions, every time I have one his heart rate dips a little, although not so much that its dangerous yet.

I've decided that for his safety and whilst I'm managing the pain I'm going to get an epidural! That way if I need a C- Section I can just go straight down!!

 

Anaesthetist was really nice! She talked me through the procedure and I found out they numb your back before they stick the needle in which is a relief! was very worried it would hurt! Contractions are increasing and I'm about 3 cm dilated now!!

 

Btw ladies... GAS AND AIR IS AWESOME! Handy tip, the second you feel the twinge of a contraction take a huge breath in on it as it takes a few seconds to kick in! your head goes all light and fluffy and your voice goes really deep!! I thought I was imagining it but Ciaran was laughing as I sounded like a man! Wonderful stuff!

 

Feel bad as Gran popped in and she hated to see me in pain. She only stayed in the room a few minutes bless her!

 

So Epidural... They give you a pillow and place the gas and air in your hand. you need to relax as much as possible and they numb your back! I promise all you can feel is a slight poking around and they get you to tell them if its uncomfortable. apparently my spine is slightly at an angle so it took them a couple of pokes at it to get it right. The needle going in is attached to a thin tube and this leads to a drip that you can control if feeling starts to come back! Its so funny because you press the button and you can feel a cool fluid sensation running down your back it kept making me giggle! Honestly having it done was not as scary as I thought!

 

 

Well this is so pleasant! I've had Gran and Mammy popping in and out! Taking it in turns bless them! Ciaran and I are chatting away and he's giving me cuddles and cheering me up a lot! It's so surreal to be honest. I feel as if this is a bit too easy. just chilling out and sitting around. knowing my body is working away and I'm none the wiser! It's odd because everyone's like... 'your so strong, you haven't cried or moaned once, even when you were in pain'. Think you get into a bit of a zone. I keep telling myself I have a job to do to get my little boy out, safe and fixed.

 

 

 

Okay so.. a lot has happened between that last paragraph and now...

 

From this point on...

 

Things begun to move rather quickly, I was in established labour from around 2pm when they broke my waters. At around 7pm I begun to feel this odd pressure. It was quite funny really the nurse said it was all normal and turned straight to my notes! Then the next couple of contractions the pressure became more intense, so much that I needed gas and air to top up my epidural!!

 

After so long my body realised that the only way to relieve the pressure was to push. So I told them I'm pushing, I couldn't help it. It's like an instinct that you can't control! They made me hold off until they had a look and I was 7 cm. From then on I remember nothing! apparently I was breathing in the gas and air so much I was out of it! Ciaran says I was very loving and was staring at him telling him how much I love him!

On a strange side note in my mental absence I told Ciaran that his friend Jack was here and looking out for him. He passed away a few years ago and he is actually who we named Archie's middle name after. This is a bit strange as he hadn't even come into the conversation that day! Spooky or what?!

Now it was time to push... This is an odd sensation as I couldn't feel anything I didn't know when to bare down and when to stop.

As things had moved so quickly in such a short space of time Archie wasn't coping with coming down the birth canal very well so I had to just push as hard as I could and as much as I could to get him out fast! This meant that they had to give me an episiotomy (little cut) to help his head out. It is very tiring and in the midst of it all you just want to sleep!!

 

 

 

Then at 8:58 on Wednesday the 24th September Little Archie Jack McMillan was born into the world.

They whisked him off onto a special machine and helped him breathe for a few seconds with a ventilator and got him all up and together.

 

The next bit was just amazing as they placed him in my arms! We thought this was the best thing in the world! They had told us we wouldn't get a hold as he needed to go to the neo natal intensive care unit asap to be put on a drug called Prostone. This drug keeps a little duct in his heart open so he could still circulate blood to the lungs. But we got our little squidge before he left!

 

 

 

After that it was fairly surreal... I had just had a baby but nothing visual to show for it.

They gave me an injection to deliver the placenta, which is huge btw!! don't know how Archie had any room in there poor kid!

There was actually something wrong with the cord in the end! Didn't cause Archie any harm but it was attached to the placenta by two split membranes rather than one! They said if they had caught it when they broke my waters we could have lost him! Lucky escape really!

 

Now we had to wait. When they cut me I also tore. They said it was fairly deep (3rd Degree) So I had to go into theatre to have stitches. The only trouble was it was very busy and there were quite a few C- Sections. So we waited.

In the mean time I was throwing up a lot from the drugs they gave me to help deliver the placenta and Ciaran, my Gran and mammy all sat and waited for them to come and get Ciaran to take him to Archie. So I asked for Anti- sickness and then went to sleep.

 

Everyone was so lovely in theatre, they chatted away whilst they stiched me up. This was all happening at 3am mind (not that you really follow time after a day like that lol). When that was done I came out and they were going to take me in my bed to see Archie but Ciaran and I must have conked out because I was woken at 9 am with toast lol!

 

On my way back up to the ward we went into see him. He was all puffy from birth but he was perfect. I didn't care about the lines coming out of his belly button or the heal pricks or the feeding tube.

I looked straight at him and just saw my beautiful little boy. So tiny and perfect.

I really thought that would be the hardest bit for me. But it wasn't at all!

 

 

 

As the doctors were coming round they took me back up to the ward where they dosed me up on meds, took out my catheter and told me to pee.

When all that was done and we were settled in Ciaran took me in a wheelchair to see him again.

 

When we arrived they let us have a cuddle!!! He was so snug in my arms. Like he fit perfectly. No one can explain it really but its like an overwhelming sense of pride! Though it was scary knowing what my little one had to face, he was so small and I felt it was my job to take it all away for him. Makes you feel helpless tbh!

 

Then they told us Archie was being taken to the children's hospital down the road. Because I hadn't been discharged yet this felt like we were millions of miles apart! Ciaran went with him. They took a while to discharge me. It was a grand total of 26 hours before I got to see him again and it was getting frustrating because the paediatric intensive care (PICU) team wanted me there to sign some paperwork. For some reason if you are not married and you haven't registered his birth yet to his fathers name then the dad cannot make decisions or sign paperwork! bit harsh on poor Ciaran!

 

They had done an echo and from what they could tell it was not as serious... His original anti natal diagnosis was hypoplastic left heart with a narrowed aortic arch (basically smaller left side). When they scanned him post natally he was borderline. So much so that it caused a rather wide spread discussion as to which op was best!!!

 

They took a whole week from when he was born to decide. This was very hard for Ciaran and I as we wanted him to be on the road to recovery by this point (we are the most impatient couple going). We knew that they were doing what was best for him but at the time we couldn't understand why they were pushing it and giving his health a chance to deteriorate! Not that it did mind!! He was coping extremely well with life! could breathe fine on his own, didn't need help peeing or pooing (producing plenty of it I might add!). We got to hold him when we wanted and do his cares, like change his nappy and give him a wash etc!

 

 

 

If you ever go through something like this yourself, just remember they are doing what is best at every turn and that they know what they are talking about! There were two operations that came into their equation (if you've read previous blogs, luckily he didn't need the Norwood.) One is called the hybrid procedure. This is where they use a shunt to hold open that duct I was talking about earlier. This would have taken pressure off of the left side and allowed it to grow. This did come with several risks and a definite 100% chance of further operations when he was bigger.

The second choice was to just repair the narrowing in his aortic arch and hope that the left side would grow as the blood flow increased. The risk with this is that they would have removed that duct and there would be no going back if this operation didn't have the outcome we had hoped for. Things were looking pretty worrying but the Doctors were very hopeful! They felt we could trust that Archie was otherwise healthy and was coping with life so there was no reason to rush into any decisions.

Ciaran and I were getting frustrated by this point. We were told that they had sent all his data off to a specialist hospital in London and they would help them decide at this big Cardiac meeting on a Tuesday. We had been waiting all day by Archie's bedside for a decision and then a doctor came over at 9pm and told us they were still deciding. Ciaran did get angry, mostly because we were tired and anxious and just wanted to know what the plan was.

 

The next morning we arrived at the hospital just after the ward rounds at 10 am. Everything went all go! They told us they had made their decision and they would operate on him that day!!! It was crazy, we had waited an entire week and things were moving slowly. Then all of a sudden, he was going down that afternoon and they would perform just the arch repair and hope for the best.

We were so shell shocked we didn't really know how to feel. I personally was so pleased that this could potentially mean he wont need another operation if all goes to plan! But we didn't get our hopes up.

 

My best advice to any one in the same situation... Get family and friends around you. Do not sit waiting for your child to return.

 

At around 4.30pm They came for Archie to take him to surgery. Now, I've given birth and even that was easier than this moment. Ciaran and I had to trust someone else with our sons life. We had to sign paperwork to say we knew what the risks were. I gave him a kiss, our hearts were breaking and we said goodbye. When they left with him we just stood in his bay, crying our eyes out for about 5 minutes. I felt like someone had ripped out a piece of my heart and run off with it. How could I possibly have left him? He needs me by his side and I cant be there. He's so tiny. He shouldn't be going through this. Why couldn't it have been me!!! These are all things that run through your mind. No one could ever prepare you for it.

 

We walked out of the hospital and into the adjoining Costa where Gran, Mammy, Meg (sister) and Conar (Brother) Were. I couldn't help it. The tears just came flooding out. I felt like it was my fault he had to go through it.

 

We had a cup of tea and then decided to walk down to the Beefeater and have some food. Mam thought it would keep our strength up for Archie (cant argue with that... Clever woman!). It was very pleasant. we sat chatting about genetics and that we believed that it must be Genetic as other members of the family has similar conditions. They made us laugh but didn't deliberately ask how we were, just kept us busy chatting away. Think it was the best way to deal with that situation at the time to be honest.

 

Then my phone rang... The hospital were calling to let us know he was out of theatre, I asked if the operation went well and if it worked.. They said as far as they knew yes it did!!! I was amazed! Ciaran and I couldn't stop hugging! Our little boy was through the worst part! Just needs to recover now!

 

Never felt so relieved!!!

 

Now, Luckily Ciaran and I had been prepared for what we were going to see post op... thanks to the lovely Specialist nurse Dianne!! Amazing woman, she showed us another little boy with a similar situation.

 

So when we arrived back at PICU We were pleased to see he wasn't as bad as we thought he would be. His scar was covered and yes he had a few wires, a breathing tube and a chest drain in but he was still that same perfect little boy.

 

 

They told us that he didn't need any more surgery, from the look of the Echo the left side seemed to be growing and it was all looking very good!!

 

Obviously he needed to recover and that does take a little while.

 

 

A couple of days later we were amazed! They had removed his chest drain and his breathing tube, they had taken him off of most of his medication and he was thriving really well!!! We were so surprised!!

 

 

 

We were then moved to High dependency unit on the Cardiac ward... Was only there for a day!!

 

 

 

As you can see his face is less puffy and they have removed his breathing aid!!! He was recovering so fast it stunned us all!

 

 

Though he was recovering fast we needed to start to sort his feeding out... This was the hardest part. He was only taking small amounts on the breast and the same when we tried bottles. We had to top him up via his feeding tube. Little less and less each day but it was difficult. imagine introducing your stomach to food after a week of not having it! You would probably throw up! And he did! quite regularly to begin with...

 

As the days went on Ciaran and I would get more frustrated. They told us that if we were trained to feed him through his feeding tube we could take him home! Though we would much rather have established his feeding it did get our hopes up a great deal.

 

He had had an echo done and was cardiac sound now! No more worries of a serious issue with his heart. Literally the only reason we were there was to establish a feeding routine!

 

 





 See... aside from the feeding tube, he looks healthy as a horse!

Then one morning they came in and said we were transferring to Gloucester Royal in an ambulance!!

We were thrilled! they said only a couple of days and you'll be home! eeek finally!!

So off we went!

This is where it got a little tough and looking back on it Ciaran and I could probably have been a bit less difficult.

Archie was improving every day and by day 2 in Gloucester we had both been trained on how to feed Archie through a tube!! We could see no reason to keep him cooped up in hospital when we could take him home to teach him to feed in a relaxed atmosphere. He was only on a small amount of top up anyway.

So every day we asked the Dr why we couldn't take him home, and every day we were told a different answer... We want him to gain weight first, when he had gained weight it was, I want him off that tube, when the tube came out it was I want to monitor his growth for a few days. Luckily we had been allowed to leave the hospital during the days otherwise we would have gone stir crazy!! In the end he reluctantly let us go!!! It just so happened to have been Ciaran's Birthday as well! We were over the moon!!!!!!

Now we may have gotten funny with the doctor, we may have even broken down in front of him. Do bare in mind ladies and gents that Doctors may know how to heal your child or feel they know physically what they would like to monitor but as a parent, remember you know your child and what they are capable of. We spent 24hrs a day with Archie and had enough common sense to know that he was a healthy thriving baby then would have been recovering better in the comfort of his own home. So we pushed. We may have been disliked but I tell you what... He's home now, settling into a lovely routine and he's happy and healthy.

So that is his journey right up until today. If anyone asks how Ciaran and I feel about this experience. We honestly do not know, its like someone else lived it really. He's home and safe, he looks normal. I can barely remember what he looked like with all the tubes and wires.

I will say I appreciate his life so much more. He is my miracle baby and he has fought so hard to be a part of our little family.

he just brings light to us all and has brought our families so close together. Our little fighter. We love you Archie Jack. Welcome to the world <3 xx

 

We have a lot of people to thank for all the support so here goes...

 

first and foremost... the Cardiac team. Mostly Dianne our specialist nurse who guided us through pregnancy and prepared us for our stay in Bristol! Thank you.

John Forsey for diagnosing the condition. Bev for the follow up appointments. the anaesthetist, and of course the surgical team themselves. fair play I admire you. working on something the size of Archie's fist! You saved my sons life. I can never repay you enough.

 

The entirety of the nursing staff... from the midwives before birth, to the ladies that delivered Archie, to the PICU ladies and gents, and the cardiac ward team!! You all kept us going. Making us laugh, talking us through, teaching us. Generally being a huge support! My god. I aspire to be like you. Giving families hope and support one day. There just are no words. It made our stay so much more relaxing!

 

Ronald McDonald house charity. This is an amazing cause and the next time you pickup a big mac meal with a large milkshake.. pop a 5er in the box because this is the most fantastic opportunity for parents and siblings of children in Hospital. Giving them a place to stay. facilities to cook and it just relieves so much stress. But sadly there isn't always availability but there can be with the right amount of donations so please do it!!!

 

The British heart foundation. Without your research my son would not have lived and for that we cant thank you enough.

 

Now to all you loved ones... Family, friends, friends of friends and so on. We are so grateful for all of your kind wishes, positive thoughts and energy that you sent our way. We genuinely believe it helped towards a speedy recovery for our little man!! We were absolutely flabbergasted by all of the support!! Kept us going really. How much you all loved our little boy.

 

Our families... Both of which have had deep personal connections to our little boy and we wanted to thank both sides for coming together as a unit and giving us so much love. We love you guys and we wish we could pay you all back somehow.

 

Tizzy, Megan and Conar... Where do I start with you guys? Been an amazing rock really to the pair of us. Each step we have taken on this journey you have been there. Giving us advice, comforting us, bringing us down to earth, cheering us up and keeping us busy. Thank you guys. We love you so much. Archie also loves his aunts and uncle!!! Especially when you change his bum ;).

also an extra thank you to Conar for the lifts back and forth from Bristol!! We owe ya one Bro!!!

 

My mum and dad. It's not been an easy road but everything I have been through has taught me to be strong and I cant run from all the bad that goes on in my life. I'm glad you never shielded me from anything and you gave me the freedom to be the independent woman I am today. So thank you. I hope your both proud of me as any child would want their parents to be. I know I've not always been the easiest kid to rear!

 

Gran... Pretty much been the most constant thing in my entire life. Never let me get too carried away, always kept me grounded. Offered my emotional, and financial support, given me a home for me and my boys. Loved me unconditionally for who I am, faults and all. Told me straight. Felt my pain. Let me come over at 3 am because I'm crying and upset! You've been everything I could ever ask for rolled into one amazing lady and I am privileged to be your grand daughter. You may have to move in as Archie is quiet for you! Love you So very much you brilliant woman! I cant thank you enough. <3

 

Mammy... Don't think even a heart felt message could even cover it tbh. From the beginning of mine and Ciaran's relationship you have taught me how to be a strong and independent woman. Because of you I can fight my own battles, defend myself, appreciate myself and you taught me that real family is something I don't need to fight for. It just comes together. You showed me how to be a mother really, just by being a mother to your own children. You encourage them and protect them at all costs. You know how to spin things to make us think about what we are doing. We haven't had it easy. People have walked away from us and things have changed so drastically in 3 years. But we have stuck together and been strong for each other. You took me under your wing and treated me like your own. You still do, I don't think a day goes by where you haven't asked if I've eaten lol! I also have to thank you because you have given me the love of my life and in turn the most perfect little boy. Ive dreamed of having this wonderful little family and you made it possible. Thank you for being there when we lost our first. I think I would probably have still been a mess without you guiding me to move forward and teaching me that things happen for a reason. You were right! Thank you for all of your support with this monkey as well... bringing us food, doing our washing, constantly texting us moral support and calming us down on a daily basis! We would have been emotional blobs on the floor without you. You have turned me into someone who can face things head on, not shy away because I don't want the hassle. Archie needed a strong mum and you have created one just for him. Love you loads.

 

Finally to my beautiful amazing fiancée Ciaran. When I met you I was a child. 17 years old and I stumbled across my soul mate. I must be the luckiest girl alive to have found you so young. We fit together like a piece from the same puzzle. Not only are you my partner but you are also my best friend. You make me laugh, you push my buttons, you make me feel loved and cherished and you make me feel safe. I have grown up with you. You've always stood by my side and fought to protect and defend me (even when it wasn't justified). When we were having our baby all I wanted to do was look into your eyes. They are so calming and gentle and it made the pain bearable. The love that we share is endless and something in that room made us stronger. We are like the knots of a rope now, together we are strong and nothing can break us. That includes our beautiful little miracle. You have given me the one thing I have always wanted, a normal, happy family. No pain, no heart ache, just you, me and Archie. Forever and always 381.

 

Thank you for reading guys... I told you it was a long one. Hope you made it all the way through! I do tend to ramble.

Now I have my sons birth fully documented with all the details :)

Hope you enjoyed the read! xx

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

too much now... enough is enough.

This one is more of a rant...
 Can't find any other way of expressing how I feel right now.

I don't want pity. I don't want shit. This is my feelings and if you don't like it don't read my blog simple as.

Why is it that people wait until you are so close to breaking point to push buttons and cause heartache??
For goodness sake do you really think my priority right now is whether I've upset the latest person or offended them with the choices I've made? No! My priority is My son and my fiancée. In exactly 5 weeks we will have to give birth to a baby with a serious heart defect and watch other people nurse him to health. So no I'm not sorry you can't come and see him and I'm not sorry that you can't hold him and I'm certainly not sorry that you won't be able to coo over him right away. That is the least of my worries. As a mother I am at the end of my tether now. I've tried being nice. I've tried not to piss people off and I've tried to be honest. Now I'm just done with it all.
I'm done with people hurting my family... just leave peacefully and respectfully and let them move forward. - I admit that's cryptic but it's not my place to say any more in regards to that. Just know I love my family so much and we will get through this as a unit. In relation to that we are not a punching bag for every ones guilt. Maybe instead of accusing the person who has held the pieces of this family together, you should look towards your own guilts as a person. This can apply to several people at present. We officially have no more chunks of ourselves to give.
Do me a favour and if you get the urge to stir up trouble or drama or cause a row... just don't.  We are dealing with enough.
What I would like to add is that everyone who has been there for us lately.. I genuinely thank you all and Ciaran and I love you with all of our hearts. I know words don't cover the love and gratitude we have to give and if we could make it up to you we would!!!!
We are not playing any more games and we are not buying into webs of bullshit so just take it elsewhere. (Excuse the repetitive sentences I'm just so fed up)
I heard a telling sentence today. 'If your so bothered about someone taking over your responsibility then maybe you should ask your self why the void is big enough for some one to fill it in the first place' amen to that!
So going forward people... If Ciaran and I seem distant. We are being so deliberately. We have a lot of preparing to do in the next 5 weeks and we cannot take anything else on. If we don't reply to you when your getting shitty with us. It's because we have bigger shit to deal with and if we don't get round to seeing people it's because we are busy. We really no longer care who we upset because of the difficult choices we have to make. This is about our baby. So have a tantrum. Dig your heals in. It will only upset yourself.
We are very excited to move into our new home and get everything ready for little man and we really can't wait to be parents. We are so happy, my families are coming together and becoming one big unit and support network for each other and things in the near future seem so happy. So no one is going to ruin that for us now.
Archie needs me calm and relaxed especially from now on.
I would like to add that I really can't believe I have to get to this point? I just don't understand logic sometimes? I would understand if we had been stupid about all of this... It's like people have gone oooooo these people have had a really, really bad time of it. I know how about I make them feel worse about their situation? Rub some salt in that big ol' wound.
So yeah bottom line of this is. If you can't be happy for us or you feel you can't support us and love us regardless of how it makes you feel... PISS OFF. We don't want to know. Nor will it be difficult to cut you out of our lives for however long it takes, because if you are willing to cause us more pain for your own selfishness... you don't deserve to be part of this amazing family. End of. Rant over.

Archie's Heart 💙

Our special little boy ♡

Ciaran and I felt that now was a good time to start sharing information about our little man.

It's for couples/ families that discover that their child has a complication. 

Archie has what's called a Hypoplastic left heart and a Narrowed Aortic arch.

These are 2 separate defects within the heart. 

The Aortic arch is easily repaired with open surgery by just building up tissue and widening where it's narrowed. Obviously a major operation but not overly risky. 

The hypoplastic left heart is where the left ventricle is smaller than the right and if it's too under developed he will have to have an operation when he's born to try and take the pressure off. Quite a bit more complicated.

http://www.bhf.org.uk/publications/view-publication.aspx?ps=1000798

http://www.bhf.org.uk/publications/view-publication.aspx?ps=1001146

both these links are to download the information on Archie's conditions, what operations he has to have and what the risks are. Promise it's no virus.

If you want to make a small donation too. It's an amazing cause. Honestly guys! What they do up there in Bristol is amazing. 

Now, it's the most terrifying feeling getting to a scan at 20 weeks and being told something isn't right. However it's what those anomaly scans are for. 

Side note... Make sure your bladder is full. We had to go back at 23 weeks. Which meant that we didn't find out something was wrong until then. 

It is amazing though because everything moves so quickly from there. They got us an appointment With a specialist sonographer the next day who confirmed there was a heart condition. Then 2 days after that we were in Bristol and Archie was diagnosed! They do not hang about !! From there its getting your head round it. When they tell you that your little bundle of joy will be very poorly you want to fall apart or look for someone to blame (usually yourself). Unless your me and you try and find a reason behind it. 

With Congenital heart abnormalities (heart problems found in the uterus) there is no way of explaining it. Sometimes it's genetics but you won't know that until the test the cord blood either before or after birth. With this abnormality it just happens for no reason. Normally within the first 12 weeks of gestation. 

My advice would be... keep calm. The facts are damn scary and very real but they have to tell you. At the end of the day that little one needs you calm to help them grow!

They do give you the option to terminate which is every woman's choice. We chose to let him make that decision, it's what you have to do as a parent.

His quality of life will be fairly normal. He will probably get tired more easily and not be able to do much cardio but that's okay. 

To Ciaran and I the risks aren't enough to consider that. 

So admittedly over the past week I've been getting very scared and worried about him and whether he will cope, it's totally normal and we will always have good and bad days. 

However today. Today was very positive. We went back for a follow up appointment to see how his heart is progressing. His left side is growing in a good correlation to the right and he still has very good functions! So fingers crossed he won't need the serious operation! Though the docs said it COULD still go the other way he felt very positive and was actually smiling. 

So as we are at this mid point now where things are on an up and we are proud of our little man. My advice would be. When you think ahead. Think to each scan and not too far in the future! I'm terrible for that... jumping to the final outcome. But I was that convinced today would be bad news I cried with shock when it wasn't! ! Expect the worse and hope for the best. I ran my head raggid trying to understand why us? What could we cope with next? How on earth do you cope with something like this? But today all that pain feels eased. Like I said there will be good days and bad. Cry. Scream. Shout. Throw things. But please don't over think and stress any further than each step because you never know what could happen. 

Just trust that your specialists know what they are doing. Accept that they will have complete control of your baby and be happy that they are taking good care of them.

Our specialist nurse took us to neo natal today. She informed us that we would get a quick hello with Archie and he would be brought straight to this ward. Ciaran will go with him but I have to stay on the ward for 6 hours after birth. Yes it's a bit upsetting that I can't have that cuddle but I'd rather he be in the best hands. 

On the neo natal unit he will be hooked up to monitors,  given meds and poked and prodded. It was good to see some of the babies today as it prepared us for what our little boy would look like. It's not like Casualty guys. It's very calm and relaxed and you can be there 24 hours if you want. ( the nurses will kick you out for your need to sleep). 

The way they prepare you makes you so relaxed. Where better to be than Bristol?  The Heart specialist hospital!

So guys 12 weeks countdown begins... let's see how this goes. Thank you for reading. If there's any HLHS families that want to post comments and help set people at ease. Or you want to know more. Please feel free. I'd sure love to know more if you can tell me. 

Please bare in mind that this is how myself and Ciaran cope with this and not all families are the same. It's just some advice parent to be - to - parent to be. 

Try not to feel alone guys. Congenital heart defects are quite common!

♡♡♡♡♡