.The love of a child
.The love of family. Close or distant.
.The love of friends
.The love of an object eg. Phone or keepsake.
.The love of money.
Then the love that you choose or not choose but find.
Now I will do my best to not write this mushy but it is my feelings remember so try not to puke!
Now... I met Ciaran 3 years ago at work. I was a breakfast waitress and he worked on the bar at the time. He was well known for his Saturday morning hangover and I always found him sat on the floor of the bar with his head in his lap. I liked him from day one. (I don't think he noticed me at first). Being 17 I was terrible at flirting. I can't remember how it started, I think it was a Facebook status. I put something about being at work at 6 am sucked and he commented saying I don't do any work anyway. The funny thing was my colleague Dawn told me not to put kisses but I felt mean!
I think Ciaran was in that morning doing the line cleaning for the bar and he was having a nap before his shift in the staff room. I can remember I was putting the breakfast stock away and he locked me in the freezer for a good 2 minutes! I know hard at work right?? Later that day he tickled me to the floor. So much better at flirting than I was! I used to just giggle like a school girl!
Then we would talk on Facebook chat all day every day. Essays! You know the kind, ones you have to read back on just to reply to each point!! We were so alike but yet we were different too! His music taste is all R & B yet I'm into pretty much any genre (except screamo you can keep that shit lol) We were both a family of 3 kids and both middle children. He was devoted to his friends, so was I!
I knew though, all along. I was going to marry this man. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I'd just got out the bath, put on my pj's and was about to get into bed and we were talking about something trivial. Think I said something along the lines of I look like crap today and he just said 'The girl I love could never look like crap in my eyes'. (Like a fairytale isn't it!)
Our first date... This was unreal! We were both so nervous, he had been drinking all day with his friend Ricky Martin and I had probably asked my Drama class friends about 300 times if I looked okay! When I walked in we looked at each other and smiled, my heart was racing I was probably visibly sweating! So attractive. I sat down next to him, he could see how nervous I was. Then he said the words 'fuck it' and his lips met mine. We never looked back. We talked all night about each other, our families, our silly things we did when we were younger. It was bliss. Then he put his coat around me, walked me to the bus and kissed me goodbye! I think I listened to Ed Sheeran ' s Lego house the whole way home smiling!
From there we were inseparable! Never stopped talking. It was difficult at first because he couldn't drive and neither could I. He lived in Teweksbury and I lived in Cheltenham. I was still at college and he worked full time on the bar. I used to go down and distract him from his work. 😀
The day my family fell in love with him was my Great grandads funeral (that sounds really odd I know). We were all gathered at my Grans house. All very sad and he hadn't met anyone! He came in and offered to make everyone a cup of tea and asked them to tell him all about my Grandad! They spoke about such happy memories and it cheered us all up! My Gran loved him. He came with me that day as I wanted to read a poem for my Grandad. He wouldn't take his eyes off me and he sat with my mum in the second row. He hadn't met her either! He smiled and told me to breathe when I choked up. I remember thinking that was so brave of him. Meeting my entire family in one day!! Though it wasn't too bad. He knew my Aunty Kate as he worked with her and he Knew Aunty Helen too, she worked with Ciaran's mum. Small world eh?
Meeting his mum was probably the single most scary thing I have ever done. Wouldn't think it now we are two peas in a pod. I remember walking round the corner with thoughts of a scary Irish lady who punched her son in the nose for being chopsy at 18! But when I walked in through that door she threw her arms around me, so did his brother Conar and sister Megan and they made fajitas for tea. All the while his mum was encouraging me to have another one! Typical Irish Mammy! Still is. I loved her to pieces then and there! We had such a brilliant evening and then I went round every Monday!
So that was the beginning. He was always so romantic (still is). Every month on the 14th we would go for dinner, usually at Frankie and Bennies.
He would have flowers sent to me with love notes. He would show me off to all of his friends.
The best part was whenever we went out he was so protective of me. Not in a creepy jealous way either. We wouldn't get plastered but merry enough that we would just look into each others eyes, smile and dance the night away!
Not a day went by that he didn't say I was beautiful or that he loved me. He always makes me feel like I can conquer anything.
I guess that's why I'm writing this really. He may seem like one of a kind to you ladies... But they are everywhere. Why settle? My best advice I can give is if he doesn't make you feel like you are the centre of his universe why would you want to stay? Ciaran is my complete other half of me. If you are being picked on daily or beaten or feel like they don't show any interest in you? Do not settle for it! You just remember that there is someone like this for everyone. Even if you don't like this, If you like to banter and call each other ugly as a compliment. You will know that you are half of a whole. You do just know. When you look at them and you could cry because they just fill you up with so much warmth and love. I still do it now! Don't accept any less because you deserve to be the universe and that person deserves to have you!! Life's too short to stick around for that anyway!
Everyone always said the honeymoon period will end. After a year you will be fed up with each other. Actually it's not like that at all. We still are just as loved up and every single hurdle that has been thrown at us (believe me there are plenty) it has only made us stronger!
Aside from our own family dramas on both sides we had our own. When we moved in together I fell pregnant very very quickly, that was a big shock but we had discussed it before (I recommend having this conversation as soon as possible. I always said I couldn't take a life because I had chosen to have sex and I knew the consequences. Though we were very careful, my health deteriorated due to being on contraception and though we were still safe we got caught out!).
When we had finally accepted we would be becoming parents we unfortunately miscarried. It his us very hard. We both were distraught for days. We lived with his mum because we wouldn't have coped on our own in our little flat. He helped me through the physical and emotional pain. Holding my hand. Talking it through, getting me outside and not cooped up, spoiled me with gifts and chocolate and just dragged me from the dirt to be honest and I think I helped him too. We supported each other. Like a see saw, we both would fall down a little and the other would pick us right back up! A lot of help Came from Mammy as well mind.
I couldn't see any more happiness. I just thought I would always get shit on my entire life. Like I wasn't allowed to be happy. But then I reminded my self I had Ciaran. He was my happiness. He was the one keeping me going!
Luckily next month we fell pregnant again !! It was scary though, those first twelve weeks you are almost checking every day! I felt bad because the day I found out was oddly because I was in a lot of pain. I panicked that it was something serious so I did a test to rule it out! Then boom PREGNANT 1-2. I rang Ciaran screaming. I thought it was an ectopic pregnancy or something as I was in so much pain. He was at work and he was so worried. It took the shine off the news! Then Gran took me to a and e and they told me I wasn't! ! I said the test doesn't lie and it's the digital clear blue. They said do another one in 3 days. So I did about 3 a day for 3 days. All positive each day the line got stronger and Ciaran and I got happier and happier! Nothing came of that pain mind!
Everything was amazing until we found out about our little boy having a heart condition. (Another blog). I went numb to be honest. We had to wait 1 day to be certain there was something wrong and in that time you grasp at straws. Ciaran couldn't understand, why him? Why Archie? Why does God hate us. He fell apart and that was so hard for me to watch. I just processed and went quiet but I helped Ciaran through it. I told him not to think the worst. It may be a blip yet! I cradled his head in my hands and gazed into his eyes. "We will get through this". He just wept and wept. He didn't think he could. The next day we went to see a fetal specialist in Gloucester. She told us there was a serious issue with his heart and Ciaran and I both fell apart then. We had been told to keep hope. The specialists in Bristol are amazing. We were given all the guidence possible but it was killing us both. Our bond with this baby was so strong and we couldn't cope with the thought of him being poorly. It's destroyed us for 2 days straight. When we went to Bristol things became a little more positive. There was solutions. Don't need to go into much detail as it's on another blog but we were told there was an 80% chance he would live. Now as much as you stay positive. That 20% rings in your ears and it was hurting Ciaran and I so badly. How do you handle that?! Our child's life was out of our hands. Ciaran remained angry at the world though he was more reserved now he understood what was happening. I however hit the books looking for some reason, some explanation as to why, yet again I had had my happiness ripped away from me.
As things settled and the appointments became more positive we Continued to become stronger. Working with each other to lift our spirits. Look at the positives. We have each other and we have the strength when we are together. We are much stronger together.
When I gave birth he was perfect. He knew exactly what I needed. I gazed into his eyes when it hurt and he didn't say anything, just breathed with me. I told him I loved him and that he was my soul mate with every contraction. He gave me fluids, he helped me try and hand express my milk, he held my hand and just kept so strong for me. He held a leg and pushed when I pushed and he was just what I needed at a time like that. Any on lookers said we had such chemistry and we're made for each other. I Truely believe that.
Being in Hospital was hard. For 3 weeks our tempers ran short we were exhausted but yet we were still there for each other we never seperated our hands. We stayed strong for each other and Archie. One of us would wobble and maybe cry a little but the other would lift us out of it.
Now ask anyone who knew me say 4 years ago. I was a pain in the ass. Yes I'd been through a lot but I always wanted attention. Big drama queen. Everything was a crisis. Over emotional and just generally annoying. I don't know how he fell for me to be honest. But with him I don't need to feel or be that way. He loves me regardless he makes me want to be strong and a fighter. I'm not a hard nut nor am I able to hide my emotions but I am now strong. But only with him. You may feel that's weak because I can't do it for me? But it's not. We are put on this earth to find a mate. Have children grow old and die. It is the one thing that is innate in our beings. So why shouldn't we be strong for them and not for ourselves? He gives me the courage to stand up for myself. To not need to please people all the time. He makes me who I am and I love who I am now (think a lot of people prefer it tbh). I love who he has helped me to become. I'm not afraid any more, he's by my side every day. Loving me for who I am. Defending me and supporting me in every way I could ever imagine. I know what people think. It may not last. She's delusional. But all of what we have been through and no we are not perfect. We argue. Especially when exhaustion kicks in with a certain tiny person. But I want/ need him to know that I will always love him unconditionally and whole heartedly. Because not only do I worship him but I love myself because of him.
I want you all to feel that way about someone. Don't be lonely when your single. Don't settle for someone who won't bring you up to like you and Don't ever, ever let yourself become ungrateful for someone who does make you feel that way because you must make them your universe.
Anyway that's my key to happiness and as I say in all my blogs this is another opinion. No circumstances are the same but you can find this guys it's out there waiting for you I Truely believe that! Happy hunting !!!
